She sits up just a bit straighter when Tilda ties together the similarities between herself and her mother, some ever present gap inside of her filled at least momentarily. And then she just listens; Tilda rarely spoke of the things that preceded the version of herself that Miorine knows- in fact it was almost impossible to imagine her as some scared, abandoned child, searching for something to connect her to who she was and who she wanted to be.
Childish as it was, she had only ever existed in Miorine's mind like this: confident, graceful, so acutely aware of what she wanted from herself and others. Her brow furrows as she tries to imagine what this other version of her may have looked like- struggles to imagine Tilda as a teenager like her.
"I didn't know that. It's not on your Wikipedia page." There's a note of sarcasm there, some rueful humor.
"It is the same. All the horticulture and bio-engineering.. I only got into it because of my mom. I was lucky that I liked it, and that it was the one thing he didn't take from me." She pops another tiny treat into her mouth, chewing aggressively.
"He gave my piano away to some charity and got a fat tax break. I bought a keyboard once and hid it in my room but his goons found it and smashed it." She sounds little more than annoyed but it's a painful memory, one that cemented in her mind that she was a prisoner and not a daughter. He was little more than a horrifically cruel warden.
"Quite a few things aren't, to my immense relief." The quip makes her smile. "My college days were particularly fraught. I'm grateful to whomever is editing the page that they've kept it short."
Tilda listens in turn, though at Miorine's confession of Delling's cruelty her expression shifts just so — something sharp and displeased hardening the relaxed line of her mouth, making her turn a little in her seat until her profile is all that faces Miorine, all angles, like cold white stone.
"I see," is all she says at first, her posture haughty and remote. It becomes clear, or perhaps it will be, later — that she is angry. This is so rare that it's almost unheard of. Tilda was never angry, at least not in ways that could be easily figured out. The moment crests over her like a wave now, making her throat feel locked and her hand tighten into a white knuckled fist in her lap where it can't be seen. Gradually, her composure, barely rattled by most people's standards, rights itself.
She hated to hear about the destruction of creativity fostered in another. It was so rare, so beautiful. That it was sullied so is heartbreaking. If he meant it to be a lesson, he'd missed the mark. When she turns back to Miorine, her express is soft and solemn.
"I'm very sorry to hear that," she says. "I'm sorry that he did such a terrible thing to you." She is quiet for a time, and then she reaches over the table to put her hand over Miorine's own.
"I play the piano as well, though I don't practice as much as I should. You're free to use mine whenever you'd like. It'd be a waste for it to sit there, collecting dust in my sitting room."
She's gotten used to moments like this: not this particular behavior in and of itself, but quiet shifts in demeanor that were difficult to decipher and often well hidden. Over time she's learned to translate some of them but this was a new shade of Tilda.
Good thing she had all the time in the world to work through whatever this meant. No doubt she'd see it again- till death do they part and all of that.
Still, when that fades away Tilda is apologetic for this act of cruelty she had nothing to do with. Miorine isn't accustomed to sympathy, empathy or apologies in any capacity so all of this is just as new as the mysterious expression Tilda had worn before this. She looks down at her lap, embarrassed because she simply doesn't know how to respond.
"I'll think about it. Thanks."
It is sincere, if her bashfulness is any indication.
For some time Miorine is quiet, content to people watch and make a dent in her fries. Finally, she gathers the courage to ask something she's been pondering for some time.
"Are you.. really okay with all of this? It means you won't get to marry anyone else."
It's a question she'd been expecting for some time. Anyone would wonder at it — especially someone as clever as Miorine was. Tilda pulls back a little, sits up straighter in her chair. She lingers over her glass of wine for a moment, taking another sip before she responds.
"Yes, that is what it means. I'd thought about it for quite some time before arriving at my decision."
It isn't an answer, not really, but she sees the need to let it be known — impulsive decisions were not something she made a habit of. "I'll tell you something that you more than likely know — aging is difficult. And I'll tell you something that you may not know, and that is dating, marriage... these things become tiresome. Discouraging. Particularly in the social and economic circle that we are in. I've seen marriages end in affairs, divorces, illegitimate children. More than you can fathom. I've seen people get married who detest one another. Men killing their spouses, women filling themselves with botox until they're unrecognizable, all to keep their partners from abandoning them at the slightest whiff of something better..."
It's rare that Tilda sounded something other than calm and unruffled. Right now something else has found its way into her voice: disdain. "I became faced with the knowledge that I would be most likely be married for my money, or else my name. Even without any arrangements my parents may or may not have made for me, had they lived."
A long pause follows this. "Love, romance. These are luxuries that can't be bought. People like to pretend, but... ah. It usually ends in tears. I found a friend in you, which was rarity enough, and I had a way to help you. Not ideal, no. Not marrying someone else... it isn't the worst thing. Not by a long shot."
When she says that, that they're friends. Miorine feels a warmth bloom in her stomach thawing a cold she didn't know was even there. She would have been stupid to not have any lingering doubts- Tilda had acknowledged her as a colleague, but to be acknowledged as a friend dispels something gloomy.
"I looked into Elisabet."
Comfortable enough to be openly spoiled she admits this: finally pouring herself a glass from the bottle Tilda had ordered. It's legal here but she still gets a bit of a rush from drinking in public. Before this trip she'd wondered if people would see them out together and think they were mother and daughter.
Right now, it felt like two adults having a conversation.
"It's weird to imagine you in love."
Another admission, only shared because some wall has been broken.
"I guess all of this is easier when you've already gotten to have that experience."
It stings in a way that she doesn't quite understand.
To have Elisabet mentioned throws her off her game, causes a near imperceptible tightening of her shoulders. She supposes it's rational — the girl was bright, curious. Willful. And to deny her all information would be suspicious and unnecessary both. Still. This was a sore spot, a wound that had not healed and perhaps never would. She turns away again to watch the crowds milling about, the other guests speaking in low voices. And at last, some real emotion crosses the even, unbroken calm of her expression, something like pain. Regret.
"You aren't the first person that's said so." She sounds sad. It's an old refrain. How surprised her small circle of close friends were upon hearing of her whirlwind romance with Dr. Sobeck. Tilda had flings, spotty instances of one night stands, noncommittal engagements. Rarely did she experience feeling to this degree, so completely and with reckless abandon. And she had paid for it, hadn't she? Dearest, beloved Lis, she'd paid for it too. She held the memory close to her, too jealous and selfish to share it.
"No," she says at last, her tone hollow, "I'm afraid it isn't easier. It's simply something that we'll both need to weather, isn't it?"
Someone less bold and bratty would shrink under the realization that they've done wrong in Tilda's eyes. She was someone who managed to command the room without raising her voice. Miorine notes the ding in her grade but doesn't look away.
But Tilda does manage to make her feel guilty.
She feels pitiful over the fact that it's worked. Someone evenly matched with Tilda would have been self-possessed. It's difficult to hide entirely, she can't keep her lip from twitching. Miorine wonders if it will always be this way between them.
"You'll never get me to believe that." The waiter returns to fill Tilda's wine glass and this time, just before he leaves Miorine pushes her empty and untouched wine glass forward.
She tries not to look at the glass for too long when he pours.
"Hm," Tilda says in response, letting the conversation hit a lull as the waiter tops off their glasses. She plays with the bracelet on her wrist — silver and lacking in obvious adornment — and doesn't reach for her glass right away when they are left alone again. She turns the response over in her head and considers her approach to it, as always, as the sting of Elisabet's memory is buried under the surface.
Finally, she deigns to speak, turning her attention to Miorine in full again. Her hands come to fold under her chin. "Fair enough. I suppose it's too soon to tell."
The concession is given easily and gracefully, Miorine's faux pas seemingly forgiven.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 04:17 pm (UTC)Childish as it was, she had only ever existed in Miorine's mind like this: confident, graceful, so acutely aware of what she wanted from herself and others. Her brow furrows as she tries to imagine what this other version of her may have looked like- struggles to imagine Tilda as a teenager like her.
"I didn't know that. It's not on your Wikipedia page." There's a note of sarcasm there, some rueful humor.
"It is the same. All the horticulture and bio-engineering.. I only got into it because of my mom. I was lucky that I liked it, and that it was the one thing he didn't take from me." She pops another tiny treat into her mouth, chewing aggressively.
"He gave my piano away to some charity and got a fat tax break. I bought a keyboard once and hid it in my room but his goons found it and smashed it." She sounds little more than annoyed but it's a painful memory, one that cemented in her mind that she was a prisoner and not a daughter. He was little more than a horrifically cruel warden.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-31 10:54 pm (UTC)Tilda listens in turn, though at Miorine's confession of Delling's cruelty her expression shifts just so — something sharp and displeased hardening the relaxed line of her mouth, making her turn a little in her seat until her profile is all that faces Miorine, all angles, like cold white stone.
"I see," is all she says at first, her posture haughty and remote. It becomes clear, or perhaps it will be, later — that she is angry. This is so rare that it's almost unheard of. Tilda was never angry, at least not in ways that could be easily figured out. The moment crests over her like a wave now, making her throat feel locked and her hand tighten into a white knuckled fist in her lap where it can't be seen. Gradually, her composure, barely rattled by most people's standards, rights itself.
She hated to hear about the destruction of creativity fostered in another. It was so rare, so beautiful. That it was sullied so is heartbreaking. If he meant it to be a lesson, he'd missed the mark. When she turns back to Miorine, her express is soft and solemn.
"I'm very sorry to hear that," she says. "I'm sorry that he did such a terrible thing to you." She is quiet for a time, and then she reaches over the table to put her hand over Miorine's own.
"I play the piano as well, though I don't practice as much as I should. You're free to use mine whenever you'd like. It'd be a waste for it to sit there, collecting dust in my sitting room."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-02 04:48 pm (UTC)Good thing she had all the time in the world to work through whatever this meant. No doubt she'd see it again- till death do they part and all of that.
Still, when that fades away Tilda is apologetic for this act of cruelty she had nothing to do with. Miorine isn't accustomed to sympathy, empathy or apologies in any capacity so all of this is just as new as the mysterious expression Tilda had worn before this. She looks down at her lap, embarrassed because she simply doesn't know how to respond.
"I'll think about it. Thanks."
It is sincere, if her bashfulness is any indication.
For some time Miorine is quiet, content to people watch and make a dent in her fries. Finally, she gathers the courage to ask something she's been pondering for some time.
"Are you.. really okay with all of this? It means you won't get to marry anyone else."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-02 11:55 pm (UTC)"Yes, that is what it means. I'd thought about it for quite some time before arriving at my decision."
It isn't an answer, not really, but she sees the need to let it be known — impulsive decisions were not something she made a habit of. "I'll tell you something that you more than likely know — aging is difficult. And I'll tell you something that you may not know, and that is dating, marriage... these things become tiresome. Discouraging. Particularly in the social and economic circle that we are in. I've seen marriages end in affairs, divorces, illegitimate children. More than you can fathom. I've seen people get married who detest one another. Men killing their spouses, women filling themselves with botox until they're unrecognizable, all to keep their partners from abandoning them at the slightest whiff of something better..."
It's rare that Tilda sounded something other than calm and unruffled. Right now something else has found its way into her voice: disdain. "I became faced with the knowledge that I would be most likely be married for my money, or else my name. Even without any arrangements my parents may or may not have made for me, had they lived."
A long pause follows this. "Love, romance. These are luxuries that can't be bought. People like to pretend, but... ah. It usually ends in tears. I found a friend in you, which was rarity enough, and I had a way to help you. Not ideal, no. Not marrying someone else... it isn't the worst thing. Not by a long shot."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-07 03:07 am (UTC)"I looked into Elisabet."
Comfortable enough to be openly spoiled she admits this: finally pouring herself a glass from the bottle Tilda had ordered. It's legal here but she still gets a bit of a rush from drinking in public. Before this trip she'd wondered if people would see them out together and think they were mother and daughter.
Right now, it felt like two adults having a conversation.
"It's weird to imagine you in love."
Another admission, only shared because some wall has been broken.
"I guess all of this is easier when you've already gotten to have that experience."
It stings in a way that she doesn't quite understand.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-11 04:31 am (UTC)"You aren't the first person that's said so." She sounds sad. It's an old refrain. How surprised her small circle of close friends were upon hearing of her whirlwind romance with Dr. Sobeck. Tilda had flings, spotty instances of one night stands, noncommittal engagements. Rarely did she experience feeling to this degree, so completely and with reckless abandon. And she had paid for it, hadn't she? Dearest, beloved Lis, she'd paid for it too. She held the memory close to her, too jealous and selfish to share it.
"No," she says at last, her tone hollow, "I'm afraid it isn't easier. It's simply something that we'll both need to weather, isn't it?"
no subject
Date: 2023-12-29 02:12 am (UTC)But Tilda does manage to make her feel guilty.
She feels pitiful over the fact that it's worked. Someone evenly matched with Tilda would have been self-possessed. It's difficult to hide entirely, she can't keep her lip from twitching. Miorine wonders if it will always be this way between them.
"You'll never get me to believe that." The waiter returns to fill Tilda's wine glass and this time, just before he leaves Miorine pushes her empty and untouched wine glass forward.
She tries not to look at the glass for too long when he pours.
no subject
Date: 2023-12-31 06:20 pm (UTC)Finally, she deigns to speak, turning her attention to Miorine in full again. Her hands come to fold under her chin. "Fair enough. I suppose it's too soon to tell."
The concession is given easily and gracefully, Miorine's faux pas seemingly forgiven.
"What would you have chosen? I'm curious."